Stages of grief

“So, do you finally feel at home?” He asks me casually. I look up from my beer to his face, one I still know well even though it has gotten older in these years of absence. His hair has gotten longer; his voice is still the same. He is a person I know; yet one I’m not familiar with. There is a sense of calmness over him that tells me that he does feel at home. Where ever that may be, I don’t know. In these four years he has become a stranger to me, of whom I know random details that are still stuck in my memory. Like his dislike for chicory, his shoe size, and even the way he lights a cigarette and smokes it still set a familiar scene.

I don’t have an answer to that question, so I just smile, take another sip of my beer, put down the glass and hear myself say “yeah, maybe.” But the truth is, in that moment it doesn’t matter whether I finally found myself a place to feel at home or not, the thing that does strike a chord is that he remembers these details about me too. Two strangers with too much shared memory and no shared future.

I gave up on the anger a long time ago, resentment a little later. I filed him in a segment of the memory-box that I hardly ever returned to. I went through all these stages of grief and arrived to a peaceful state of mind again.  Yet, I never expected to wholeheartedly be able to say: I hope you’re happy.

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2 thoughts on “Stages of grief

  1. If he was your first love it will never end. I’m sorry but you will marry, have children and be in love.. But when you are waking up you will be angry because you were dreaming about Him. In your dreams you will be able to see his face, feel him , flirt, see his smile… You might even dream about His Wife someday and find it strange how much you like her but inside you won’t want him to be happy, unless he is happy because of you.

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